Pretentious Title

I was sort of planning on going to visit my sister and brother-in-law up in Georgia, but then, they decided that they were staying down here for winter, and possibly for good. They're even looking at a house. It kinda sucks that my plans got messed up, as I was wanting to use their computer to download a whole bunch of stuff that I can't at the library (partly because their browsers are IE, partly because it's adult in nature). But, it's nice that they're here again. I could deal without the six new creatures that have taken the couch over from me, but it's still nice. The cat's aren't that bad, because they're small and sleep on the top of it, but the dogs...gah! I stretch out, and kick one of them in the head... My mother said that we'll probably be able to get internet again, as they'll be wanting it, and they'll be bringing in enough that we'll be able to pay for it. Score! I guess I just have to wait for a while longer than I had planned.

I've been playing Breath of Fire 3 today (which inspired the subject line), because my sister had it. I'm pretty sure it's mine now. She might not know it yet, but it is. Rei is cute, but dumb. I checked my team's stats, and he has the highest Intelligence. That's just sad. How broken are Ryu and Teepo that Rei is the smartest one on the team??? XD
I do like how they make the whole RPG thing of "you somehow are allowed to go into peoples houses and take their stuff" be because they're no-good punk theives. It was a nice touch.
There's SO much sexual innuendo in this game. The VGR recap of it is spot on. (videogamerecaps.com, search the side menu for breath of fire 3, read it, it's awesome and funny!)
I'm probably going to do a Gayming Journal of this. I haven't done one in a while.

.....*grumbles*

So, we've got to send back the internet/cable stuff so they can reset it with a new...whatever it is in there. So still no internet at home.

Also, i found my webcam finally, but i had uninstalled it from my computer, and i can't find the disc for it. I'll probably be able to get the thing from online, once that gets settled. but still, grr.

But, it's my birthday today so i'm going to go pig out on pizza.

I should have internet at the house next Friday. If Fate doesn't go "ahahaha fuck you for making plans!" and shit all over everything, that is. I'm gonna be going and updating a whole lot of stuff, like profiles and such. Pretty much everything I'm on will look different.

...regarding getting internet back in a week. It's been off so long that now we've "lost our spot" and have to wait for it to come around again.

On a much lighter note though, my mother's business got a contract with the school board, so we're actually going to be having enough money to pay all the bills every month. Holy shit. All that remains now is for me to get back into some form of routine regarding eating and sleeping and such, and I'll be back to where I was October of 2 years ago...(ie: feeling alright and somewhat hopeful)

wait another week because something fucked up. stuff might be able to be fixed up soon, i hear. God, my house and life are so fucked right now...

My neck's been hurting like fuck and I've been feeling kinda useless. I'm fucking sick of waiting and I'm sick of my own weaknesses.

On a lighter note, I got a giftart/commish. I can't post it because I don't have access to a hosting service and my harddrive, and plus it's naughty.

I've also been reading buttloads of manga and comics. FMA, Hellsing, and Excel Saga, plus I found a collection of Tank Girl. Something unexpected about Tank Girl: It's like...she's supposed to be some incarnation of an aboriginal vengeance goddess? Or am i just reading too much into things? weird, but cool. And Booga is so dumb, but he's hawt and cute.

Internet and such is off at my house now, so I'm using the stuff at the library. Just an update to say I'm still alive and I miss you, internet peoples! :( It'll probably be another month before it's back, so...that sucks, and stuff. I've been doing some sketches though, and other stuff has happened that I'll type about when things are back. There are babies crying and stuff here. grr.

so....tonight I'm having a bit of a straw breaking the camel's back and then fucking it to death once it can't run away kind of moment. I'm thinking I need to take a break from...stuff.

It's been getting harder to keep up with things in my life, online and offline, and I'm feeling incredibly shitty about most things. Certain shortcomings are becoming more apparant, and I need to address them without distraction. there's also the fact that my computer is a piece of shit now for whatever reason, so I need to find out how to fix that.

I'm seriously...alarmed at the current state of things right now.

As just a random thing: I've gotten myself a Ustream channel that I'm going to be using once can actually use it.(my cam is missing and i have no privacy) I've been broadcastng music on it for a while and testing things out, but plan on actually doing shows at some point. The name is MoonWolfhowl, and the show, for now, is project-mythos. i'll be using the full options available to me during it, so it'll be interesting, I think. So, I really do plan on coming back.


um...see people whenever I see them. bai

Firstly, I want to thank Pokey, Linc, and The Werewolf for their comments on that journal. Thanks guys. Just wanted to make sure people know I'm thankful for their being interested in what's going on and that they "get it".

So, on to the update. In bullet point format, yet!

-My sister visited to do some stuff related to her wedding that's going to be happening in like a month. We went to the beach to scope out where the ceremony is going to be held. It was a nice distraction, but now things are back to where they were. She's coming back in a week though, so we might do some more stuff.

-My mother is still jobless, and there's some pretty bad stress going on. She's got shingles and I've got severe head and neck aches, as well as a rash of some kind. That might have something to do with the fact I haven't had an actual proper shower and I'm not eating right, but... And yes, I know I should take better care of myself. I just don't have the will right now. And I'm getting into previous journals territory.

-I got one of those U-Stream things, but obviously I'm not doing anything with it until I've got the shed to myself and such,where I can have no distractions and wires laying everywhere and without people touching my shit >:(. Excuse me. Moment.
It's just for me to start following other people's stuff for now. Plus I'm testing some stuff out. Might as well jump on the bandwagon with the whippersnappers. Them and their youtube accounts and their oC sessions and their furaffintys. Once I'm able to start, it's probably going to be me drawing stuff, or talking about my story worlds, or just dicking off.

-Coming from that, I'd like if anyone is interested in seeing a show I'd do, to let me know when they're usually online. My schedule would probably be from 5pm to midnight, Eastern US time, but it wouldn't do for me to be doing this when people are either asleep or at work or whatever.

-Internet Explorer can get fucked. For some reason, Firefox has a probably memory-related bug, so i'm having to use IE, and it's like they tried to copy Firefox but failed in every way. Tabs usually freak out and are in a perpetual stage of "connecting". I use tabs a LOT. This will not do. Then there's the previous memory issue. Not related to browsers, except I think it's affecting Firefox's ability to open. Browsers take a certain ammount of memory to function properly right? I think my brother's profile on this computer is bloated, which is slowing down the entire machine and not allowing certain things to operate the way they should. Which might be why IE is sucking so hard too, now that I think about it, because I keep getting memory errors, but let me have my anti-microsoft rant hmm? The C drive is nearly full when I check it, but my files, my sister's files, and the program files wouldn't even take up a quarter of the space. Even more so now that I moved everything of mine to my external HD. He's probably not going to listen to me if I tell him he needs to start deleting things. Which means I'm going to be needing my own machine some time soon. He uses my PS3 for internet a lot too, because the browsers are shit now.

And I think that's all that's been going on.

Tomorrow, my sister is coming down for about a week. Maybe going out and such will help me get up out of this. Stuff is still pretty much the same. Plus my mother got fired, so....well damn.

I feel very lost and confused. The past few days have been a blur of apprehension and clouded thoughts. I've stopped going to the Habilitation Center. I don't feel like I can go back, even if they're now starting to talk about putting me into something more tuned to what I'd enjoy doing. But that wouldn't even help, in the long run. The assembly line was alright for a while, but then the monotony and physical stresses and annoying fuckers creeped up on me until I couldn't take it. Then the computers were a bit better, but the fucking tooth sucker and mouse killer and others started in, and I was back to where I was, only worse now because that didn't work and it was stuff I actually liked. On top of that, I had someone just decide that I needed to start talking to everyone, and pretty much made me hide during breaks and lunch because if she saw me she'd rope me into what felt like a an interrogation consisting of her prompting some random person to ask me questions. There was one woman who also got roped in that I could tell she was as disinterested as me and was trying to get away, back to her duties. Then she up and decides that I'm depressed and have anger issues and I need meds. Gee, I'm acting distracted and hostile when I'm around you? I WONDER WHY THAT FUCKING IS??? I don't like it when people make me their fucking "project". I actually think I should have yelled at her sooner, because she stopped after I finally did that. But now, I feel like an ass. Even though I still feel justified. So there's one more problem...The problems aren't only coming from my work place, but from my own life. I have no privacy, and the only place I do have to myself is filled with a dead woman's crap and has no room for other things of mine, and doesn't have heat. The walls of my house are rotting and it's too small for 3 or 4 adults. The shed is like, 10 by 20 and it's half the size of the house. The house is infested with insects and everything is either broken, breaking, or just nasty and ugly. Going to the Hab Center was just the same feeling I had in school. I woke up feeling weak and not knowing where I was, and eating anything made me feel sick. Plus the migraines, added on that the aforementioned not eating anything. If I go back, i know that's going to start up again. The headaches haven't gone away. And there's my spine being injured. There are really too many problems to list and we're. It all feels hopeless.


Wednesday is when I really just...fell apart. I was supposed to call someone handling my case file, and I just...couldn't. I couldn't deal with what I knew she'd say. She keeps spewing platitudes like "The only person that can change your life is you" or "You've got to step outside your comfort zone"... And it's just those two, whatever I've told her, it seems. It's like she's got nothing else but that. I've got another platitude for you, and it's become my favorite one. "There's no I in team, but there are three of them in platitude spewing BITCH." But of course that would be hurtful and would do nothing to help anything. Instead of talking to her, I screamed and broke some stuff and left the house until sundown when it got cold and dark and I didn't have anywhere to stay besides the shed, which I slept in all night. That....That was fucked up, I know, but I just...got pushed past a breaking point. So now I'm broken. I'm good at ignoring painful things, for a while at least, but I'm still upset and confused, and not getting any better. While I was roaming around some shopping complex, I had my ipod on, and all my inspirational music just sounded dull and fake to me, like it was obvious lies. So then I got depressed and started crying and had to get out of there because I didn't want anyone seeing me like that. And my mother was at work, so she probably thinks I was out in the shed all day, and doesn't know that I nearly fucking ran away, if only i had somewhere else to go....


So...That's what's going on, i guess. I've had to retype this a few times, because it started to be nothing but cursing and tangents and then I couldn't continue, and I'm not even sure if anyone who reads it will have anything to say, but it's here if I need it I guess, at least.

...My head hurts...

This song....So great.

Also, holy shit lesbian robots! awesome.

So, I got back last night, or yesterday, or whatever. I don't know, because I'm still lagged, and I didn't even cross time zones. I'm a very bad traveler...I woke up at some time still thinking it was the previous night...I slept all of today out in the shed that isn't my room yet, and had a fucked up dream. I think it involved the Balverines from Fable 2. Which sucks because it wasn't a sex dream. D: seriously, balverines are hawt.

The pics I took will be up at some point. Maybe.

So, the house there looks pretty cool. Reminds me of the house in Dark Angel that the dog guy lives in. Partly because it's a bit run down and unfinished.

So, Georgia is kind of boring. Cemeteries and cows everywhere. It was fun there though. I was in a house that actually didn't have insects swarming everywhere and getting into everything. Coming back home has kind of made me depressed, which sucks because stuff is needing to be done and I just want to do nothing right now...

I'm kind of fucked up right now for various reasons, so I'm ending the entry here.

(cross-posted from FA)

So, my...umm...I think he was my grandfather-in-law-to-be, so he died, which just...fuck. But since my sister is here now because she came to the funeral(which was in Spanish...I was confused for most of it) I'm going up to Georgia with her for a while when she leaves. My first time out of the state...O_O There will probably be photos.

My left side around the back and shoulder and lung area is hurting. I think I really need an actual bed. "Stuff is in motion" and all that, but seriously. This is getting to be old meme. It would really be super if shit would stop sucking.

Don't mind me, I'm just going to leave this icon right here....

So the Inauguration happened. I didn't watch it or anything, but I read blogs and shit. Bye-bye Bushie don't let the door hit your ass repeatedly on the way OUT!

Now, to watch to see if the new guy does what he said he would. I've read about some stuff that he's already starting to implement, and it really looks promising. LGBT issues are getting more attention, while religious issues are taking a back seat. He's actually trying to get everyone to get along...After so long with a hick that once claimed Wicca wasn't a real religion, and openly proclaimed to be guided by God, and was leader of an administration that blatantly lied and pitted groups against each other, this...this...

Excuse me I think I have something in my eye.

He's not a messiah, and I have no delusion that he'll make the world a happy sparkle palace in 4 years, but this is the first time in my life I've been proud of our president.




But on the personal level, things aren't nearly as rosy. I've stopped going to the Hab' Center, as it was just too painful to sit there with...well, that. All of THAT! >_<
But I don't know what I'm going to do now. Where do I go? How do I get there? Was my time up to now a waste of more than a year of my life? Stuff feels so stagnant. I haven't even felt up to doing much online, tonight being the exception, as I went and faved and commented on FA and am making this journal now.

Another issue is, one of the workers there wants to know my LJ name so they can start reading it. Up until now, I've kind of been keeping my internet life away from my real life, somewhat. There's stuff, like my sister knowing my youtube and myspace but I've still got a bit of a pathological fear of people in my everyday life finding out I like guys and am a fur and stuff. I want her to know more about me, so we can talk about stuff, but, I don't at the same time, because I'm not ready for people to find out.
This brought something up for me. I think I've been a bit sloppy online when it comes to how much of myself I let out there. I guess it's Catholic Schoolgirl Syndrome: I'm conservative and proper on the outside, but if I'm allowed to be purely myself I'm a freaky cock-hungry slut-bitch.

....If I do give that person my LJ name, this entry might have to be deleted, I think...

So yeah. Headaches suck. It's the same reason as the other ones. Poor health and stress.

But, I've started playing Half Life on The Orange Box. I got to Ravenholm and am freaking out over the Fast Zombies. It's fun though. Gravity Gun + Saw blade + Room full of zombies = most fun I've had in a while! Also when you burn Headcrab Zombies, they sound like they're saying "AHHH! AHHH!!! ...yeah, burn me, why not? *grumble*" XD

I've started a very rough draft of my comic, Mythos. I'll ultimately have to change books as this one is too small, but it feels good to start on this finally. I actually came up with a pretty cool design for Kaenag's desert gear too. The first scene is pretty much silent. No voiceover or anything. It's supposed to be that the viewer assumes what's going on until told later. Some guy (who turns out to be Kay) walks through a sandstorm into a canyon, stopping in a big circular recess as the sandstorm stops. He takes off his outer gear to clear it of sand, showing the viewer that he doesn't look quite right, (because Kay is a hybrid) when a big dragon thing jumps down from a ledge above and attacks, they fight, Kay ignites his sword, Kin pumps electricity through his Katar during the fight, and as they're clashing their weapons Kin's Katar emits a gravity field that sends Kay's sword flying and knocks him down. At this point, the viewer is supposed to be concerned, because this big dragon thing is gonna kill the guy, omfg, and all that. Instead of that, the dragon guy (Kin) walks up and offers Kay a hand up, commenting that he's "been getting better" and Kay complains that Kin cheated by using his gravity thing, to which Kin responds that "the enemy won't play fair", and the scene ends with the viewer finding out that the two are friends and that whole thing was a training session.

So, here's hoping I can keep focused enough to follow through with this.

So, what I got:

LITTLE BIG PLANET. Oh yeah. Bye, internet, I'll be doing this for a while. Wolfhowl88 is the username on PSN and just Moon is my name in the game.

The new 'pod, "Galdr". It even has that thing where the screen flips to align with whatever direction the ground is. I'm going to hold it sideways, just because I can~~

A set of art supplies from Scotland. They're not that awesome, as you could get them easily if you actually lived in Scotland and could just go to the store and buy pencils and stuff, but to me, it's awesome. HOOT MON!!

A less awesome but just as functional art pad. I'll be using these pencils first.

A calendar with wolf pictures. I still don't know if I'll be able to use it in my room/shed, but it's got some nice photos and I can still mark stuff in it.

And, I got some hundreds of dollars total in gift cards from the Habilitation Center. I'm getting games and food. :D

I'll edit this with photos of the crap later.

Wolfie was the name of my iPod. (yes. I name my technology, shut it.) I took it to the Apple store because it stopped charging for a second time, and they said the circuit board was shot. So I got a new one and sent Wolfie to be recycled. It's what I'd want to happen to my body if I were brain dead, having parts and such used for other stuff. He served me well for three years of near constant use...:(

I'm thinking the new guy is going to be named Galdr, after the runic poetry thing. Because it's a music player and in Galdr you sing the sounds and meanings of the runes in poems and such.

The new one will have a bigger screen, video capability, and 4 times as much memory as my old one, as well as the new casing that the new ones have.

I'm getting it on christmas, even though it's already bought, but this'll be another present.



Also: I have a list of games I might want.

Little Big Planet: It's fucking LBP! The game where you build anything you want and have a little customizable doll as an avatar! I need it!

Mirror's Edge: FPS parkour. Seems interesting.

Disgaea 3: Atlus makes a good game.

Legendary: I don't know if I really do want this, but the idea of it makes me want to support it. Also it has werewolves. Werewolves are hot.

Viking, Battle for Asgard: God of War with tactics game elements. And hairy Norsemen.

Time Shift: Prince of Persia plus Call of Duty. Portal made me like FPS a little more, I guess.

Tales of the World, Radiant Mythology: I've heard the Tales Of games are good.

Titan Quest: You can make your character however you'd like and build your own maps. I'm going to use it to make stuff from my series. I've looked through the character classes, and I could make one for each of my characters if alts are allowed. Only thing is, they'd all have to be human. Building the Scorched Sands or Andeci Forest or maybe even Mount Gehenna would be fun though.

And finally, the Winter Solstice is coming soon. I don't know what I'll be doing if anything at all.
But I'd like to do something. :/

I made a bind rune of my name.

The runes are Mannaz, Uruz, Naudhiz, which spell "moon". Well actually it spells "mun", but it's the same thing really.

Verg had served me well, but I need a more unemotional default.

So, that stuff in previous posts about how I have headaches and am trying to not maul some certain people just caught up with me. I'm in physical pain from that place. On Monday I made the decision that I'm not hurting myself anymore by remaining silent about this, and so now I'm taking a break from the place until January while some stuff is (hopefully) done about it. Thursday had a meeting to decide exactly what we're doing. I'm still quite a bit burnt out about things, so I'm not sure if there was a definite decision on what is to be done. Things that are happening though: I might be able to listen to music not only on break and lunch. I think there's usually some safety thing that you're not supposed to have things blocking your hearing in the work environment, or whatever. But for me, music calms me, and that is something I sorely need. I still don't know if it's going to be effective enough to warrant itself though. Plus my ipod isn't working anyway...
Another thing is they're going to be keeping an eye out for art programs for me to attend. The first one was interrupted by my getting sick, so it would be good for me to actually finish one. That can also get my stuff out there to increase the chance of someone noticing me and maybe wanting to fund the stuff I'm doing. Then there's this thing done during Christmas time where people donate the money for the less fortunate to get things they want/need, so I'm being entered in that so maybe someone will take notice and decide to help out with converting the storage shed fully. Also I might get a computer of my own out of the deal as well as some other stuff I'd need. Here's hoping the computer is worth a damn this time. I've had three of them so far and none of them are good enough for me to actually use on their own.

And I guess finally, since I've got nowhere to be, i might go up on the train to see my sister for a while.

So I guess that's my update, I'm going to sleep for a few days more...I'm quite tired now that I can afford to be.

http://projectmythos.ning.com/

I made this. It's a place for me to stick media concerning my stuff, and for anyone to voice their opinion or have some comments or whatever. I guess if I get popular enough to get any fans they can post there.

I'm still trying to make it work right and look good, and it's obviously going to be just me doing stuff for a long time, but still. The front page and profile questions are still ass. This also might not end up panning out at all, but it'll be fun to try.

I wonder how many spammers I can net myself before I lose interest and delete it...